Why Do Humans Only Value and Appreciate Someone After They Have Passed Away?

Introduction

It is a common yet heartbreaking reality that people often do not fully appreciate someone until they are gone. Whether it is a family member, friend, mentor, or public figure, the depth of their impact only seems to become clear once they are no longer present. This phenomenon has been observed throughout history, across cultures, and in personal relationships, raising the question: Why do humans tend to recognise and value people more after they have passed away? The answer lies in psychology, social conditioning, and the inherent nature of human relationships.

As some of you know, I have lost my Mom whom I loved very much recently. Something I am glad I did while she was living was that I gave her an “eulogy” while she was alive. I had visited my Mom in USA, and upon the prodding of a cousin of mine, I decided to speak about my Mom at the gathering. This gathering was held to honour her birthday, and there were family, friends and worship group members present. I am glad I did this for her. I have videos and photographs of her listening and observing the things I was saying about her, and what she means to me in my life. I am so glad I was able to do this while she was alive, and she was able to comprehend and appreciate it.

The Psychology of Loss

One of the primary reasons people only appreciate someone after they have passed away is due to the psychological impact of loss. When a person is alive, their presence is often taken for granted. The brain is wired to prioritise immediate concerns, making it easy to overlook what seems constant. However, once that person is gone, the brain processes the absence in a profound way, leading to reflection and a heightened sense of appreciation.

Loss triggers nostalgia, a powerful emotion that enhances positive memories and minimises negative ones. This psychological process, known as the rosy retrospection bias, or remembering the good old days, causes people to idealise the past and focus on the best aspects of a relationship or a person's influence. Consequently, the appreciation for the deceased increases as their contributions and impact become more evident in hindsight.

The Illusion of Permanence

Humans often assume that the people in their lives will always be around. This illusion of permanence creates a false sense of security, making appreciation seem unnecessary in the moment. People delay expressing gratitude, thinking they will always have another opportunity to do so. Unfortunately, life is unpredictable, and when someone suddenly passes away, the regret of unspoken words and unexpressed emotions sets in.

This illusion extends beyond personal relationships to cultural and historical figures. Many artists, writers, and visionaries only gain widespread recognition after their deaths because society fails to recognize their genius while they are alive. Figures like Vincent van Gogh and Nikola Tesla were overlooked in their lifetimes but celebrated posthumously. The world often requires distance and time to fully grasp the magnitude of someone's contributions.

Social Conditioning and Cultural Norms

Society plays a significant role in shaping how people express appreciation. In many cultures, expressing deep emotions is often discouraged or reserved for specific moments. People may feel awkward openly appreciating someone, fearing that their sentiments might be misinterpreted. However, once a person has passed away, the constraints disappear, and appreciation flows more freely in the form of eulogies, tributes, and memorials.

Furthermore, cultural traditions reinforce this behaviour. Funerals and memorial services are designed to honor and celebrate the deceased, encouraging reflection on their life and contributions. During these moments, people openly share stories, regrets, and admiration, highlighting the significance of the individual in a way that rarely happens while they are alive.

Regret and Unfinished Business

Regret is a powerful emotion that often accompanies loss. When someone passes away, the opportunity to mend broken relationships, apologise, or express love is permanently lost. This realisation amplifies appreciation, as people wish they had valued the person more when they had the chance.

This phenomenon is particularly common in family relationships. Many individuals regret not spending more time with their parents, grandparents, or siblings after they pass away. The responsibilities and distractions of daily life often overshadow the importance of nurturing these connections, leading to posthumous appreciation filled with “what ifs” and “if onlys.”

The Role of Absence

Absence has a profound effect on perception. When someone is constantly present, their presence becomes normalized, and their actions may seem routine or even insignificant. However, once they are gone, their absence creates a void that highlights their contributions, kindness, and influence.

For example, a supportive friend may go unnoticed until their encouragement is no longer available. A loving parent’s sacrifices may seem ordinary until their absence reveals the depth of their devotion. The human mind often fails to recognise value in the present moment, but absence forces a reevaluation of what was once taken for granted.

The Media and Posthumous Recognition

The media also plays a crucial role in shaping appreciation after death. When a public figure passes away, news outlets and social media platforms flood with tributes, documentaries, and retrospectives, bringing their achievements to a broader audience. This posthumous spotlight often leads to a newfound appreciation, even among those who were previously unaware of the person’s work or impact.

This phenomenon is evident in the music industry. Many artists experience a surge in album sales and streams after their passing. Michael Jackson and Prince saw massive increases in their music’s popularity posthumously, as people took the time to revisit and appreciate their contributions in a way they hadn’t before.

How to Cultivate Appreciation While People Are Alive

Understanding why appreciation often comes after death raises an important question: How can people learn to value others in the present moment? Here are a few ways to break this cycle:

1. Express Gratitude Regularly – Take the time to tell loved ones how much they mean to you. A simple “thank you” or heartfelt conversation can make a difference.

2. Be Present – Engage fully with people when spending time with them, recognising their worth in real time instead of later.

3. Reflect Often – Consider what life would be like without certain individuals and let that perspective guide interactions.

4. Celebrate Achievements Now – Support and recognise people’s contributions while they are alive instead of waiting for a memorial.

5. Practice Forgiveness – Let go of grudges and repair relationships before it is too late.

Conclusion

The tendency to appreciate people only after they have passed away is deeply ingrained in human nature. Psychological biases, social conditioning, and the illusion of permanence all contribute to this phenomenon. However, by recognising these patterns, individuals can make a conscious effort to express gratitude and value the people in their lives while they are still here. After all, true appreciation is most meaningful when it is given in the present, not just in memory.

I would also encourage you to speak positively and openly about the people who are important in your life while they are still around. Let them know how important they are in your life, while they are able to comprehend and to appreciate what you are saying about them. I am glad I did this for my Mom while she was alive. It gives me a great sense of comfort and peace. Because of the way I was brought up and my faith, I have a sense of calm, serenity and assurance that I will meet my Mom again in a better place.

Peace to all of you.